STEM Jokes

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were out game hunting.  The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer.  "Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three meters to the left.  "You're incompetent!  Let me try," insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three meters to the right.  "Ooh, we got him!!" said the statistician.

 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

A: To get to the other ... er, um ...

 

An evil psychiatrist kidnaps a chemist, an engineer, and a mathematician to see how their minds work.  He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves.  When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds:

• The chemist had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them.

• The engineer had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts.

• The mathematician was slouched on the floor, long since dead. Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:

Theorem: If I don't eat the beans I will die.

Proof: Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.

 

Two mathematicians went out to lunch.  Over lunch, one complained that most people don't understand even basic math.  The other took a more optimistic view.  A short time later, while the pessimist was in the bathroom, the other called the waitress over.  "I am going to call you over in a few minutes," he explained, "and I am going to ask you a question.  I want you to answer X³/3.  OK?"  When the pessimist came back, he called the waitress over.

"Look, I'll prove people understand math better than you think.  OK, young lady, what is the integral of X²?"  "X³/3" she slowly repeated and walked away.  Then she turned around and said, "Plus a constant."

 

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material.  The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.

 

"No, no," says the physicist, "there's a better way."  He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way."  To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

 

 

Engineers want to be experimental physicists.

Experimental physicists want to be theoretical physicists.

Theoretical physicists want to be mathematicians.

Mathematicians want to be philosophers.

Philosophers want to be theologians.

Theologians want to be engineers.

 

My mother is a mathematician, so she knows how to induce good behavior.  "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...."

 

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

 

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

 

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

 

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

 

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM.  His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late!  You said you'd be home by 11:45!"  The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."

 

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"

Student: "Ten Q"

Teacher: "You're Welcome."

 

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.  The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.  The engineer said, “I like both.”  “Both?” the others asked.  The engineer replied, “Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”