Dear Abby periodically publishes the signs of an
abuser. If you recognize these signs in
your partner, call the national Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 800-799-7233. Here is Abby’s list:
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've
never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner
for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits
unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet
someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late)
about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you
ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and
meet his every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from
family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing
trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent
you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES:
It's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.
(7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS
OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of,
"I am angry" or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I
tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted,
claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice
of things that are just part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN:
Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that
are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may
tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner
will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you
down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape
exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel
things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep
deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of
minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says they
made him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your
neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with,
"Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."
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